Lonely . . . and awake.

I just hate nights like this. While I don’t mind there actually being something on TV, for some reason my weekly viewing of CSI: Miami is always just a little bit tainted by it being Saturday night and I’m home alone. Now I’m not saying that I wish I had some random girl over instead or that I wish I was out drinking til I puked or anything like that. No, I really do enjoy my being single for once. If nothing else I don’t have much experience with it . . . I have been with one person or another for like 8 or so years after all. No, instead I guess I just wish that being single didn’t mean being quite so lonely.

There’s also the insomnia that comes with it. Here’s a poorly kept secret: I’m a wimp. You see, I get nightmares. Bad ones. I mean REALLY bad ones, ever since I was a toddler. Almost every night I wake up at least once having to bite back a scream, and I really wish I could explain it. Being with someone doesn’t help with the night terrors. They still come. But what did help, at least a little, was that with Carly at least when I woke up (assuming I didn’t wake her up in the process, which always made me feel bad), I would be able to lie there and listen to her breathe, and maybe snuggle up to her a little bit. It helped just that someone was there and I wasn’t alone with the demons. Because let me tell you something. I may be a big burly guy. I may outweigh most people I know (and lately, I can say that and not just mean that I’m a fat bastard!), and I may be able to defend myself pretty reliably against a very good portion of the people I might find myself up against . . . but on those occassions where I wake up alone, screaming — I, Daniel Thomas Ashton Rhodes, am damn afraid of the dark. And that’s why I have insomnia . . . because I’m actually terrified of going to sleep.

But then, you would be too.


” . . . From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.”
~E.A. Poe – “Alone”

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